ALL NIPPON POEMS

NIHON TEREBI

OHAYO GATEBALL. Suburban Tokyo action-packed sports thriller. Watch as drooling Seniors sporting bucket hats and hearing aids plop wooden balls though wire hoops using plastic mallets (filmed in 1978). NAKAMURA. Mrs. Nakamura is shocked when her new designer handbag doesnt quite match her Italian designer shoes. OX WALK. Hilarious news footage showing opposition politicians delaying Diet business by voting as slowly as possible. Not to be confused with the Ostrich Shuffle or the Hippo Ramble. REALLY BAD SINGALONG. Its double cornball night as the RBS gang take their cheesy sports coats and Bakelite hair to a dying rice growing community in rural Yamagata. MIKAN. Yoshi drives into a tree then listens appreciatively as plump little oranges bounce off the hood of his wrecked automobile. RED ASS. Hilarious hidden camera videos. Watch as unsuspecting foreigners sit down in boiling hot onsen. WHEELS OF DEATH. Hilarious high-speed bicycle action. Watch as psycho high school boys zigzag through crowded sidewalks fatally striking doddling Seniors and seriously maiming toddlers and small pets. NAKAMURA. Mrs. Nakamura is shocked when Mrs. Hashimoto arrives at Tea Ceremony with a more expensive tea bowl. SENSEI SENSEI. Experts discuss why Japan has so many experts. GOLDEN PARACHUTE. Hilarious tales about retired government bureaucrats moving into cushy high-pay no-work jobs at corporations they previously were supposed to regulate but didnt. ISNT THAT GARY SNYDER? Teams of tuna fishermen try to guess which guest is the real Gary Snyder and which is a Kyoto haberdasher. ONE FROM COLUMN A. Chinese cooking at its best. Today, celebrity chefs prepare delicious beef curry. BAKA. Grizzled homeless furosha take on emeritus professors from Tokyo University to see who can make the dumbest statement about world affairs. BASEBALL BLOOPERS. Screamingly funny sports outtakes. Watch as Japans best ballplayers bunt into double plays, flub easy ground balls and get smacked in the nuts by scorching line drives. NAKAMURA. Mrs. Nakamura is shocked when a neighbors bicycle mysteriously disappears. SPECTER. Japanese-speaking Mormons and ex-Marines who know nothing about politics, economics or philosophy make endless proposals about how Japan should become more like America. HILLBILLY QUIZ. Attempting to answer simple everyday questions, gnarly rice farmers make total fools of themselves on national tv. GRINDSTONE. Junior professors work full speed around the clock plus weekends and holidays to demonstrate their determination and dedication to their universities. WOK ON THE WILD SIDE. Todays dish: Beef Curry. GOURMET SWITCHEROO. Snobby housewives try to guess which grilled meat is the extremely expensive Matsutaka beef and which is imported Australian shoe leather. BUSHED. Senior professors at leading universities sit around faculty rooms saying how tired they are. MOUNTAIN. Giant cockroaches attack Mount Fuji. GARY SNYDER. Gary sits on a zafu and breathes deeply. SIGNOFF. Replay: WATCHING PAINT DRY. The 1991 documentary featuring continuous in-depth coverage of the eight-hour marathon around the Royal Palace. Tokyo, Wednesday, 04/02/09