SINGLE MALT POEMS

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN

I speak to you this evening on a matter of grave international concern, to be followed immediately by the latest edition of Americas Funniest Home Accidents. I dont have to tell you how serious the survival of the human race is when it comes to hilarious power tool mutilations, potentially disastrous global warming, or young children tragically involved in laughing out loud backyard swimming pool drownings. Our Planet is in crisis. We face a global catastrophe brought on by stupid old buggers slipping in greasy bathtubs or tumbling down concrete steps. Only the most callous egoist could fail to see the side- splitting humor of a frail home-owner suffering a fatal heart attack while shoveling mounds of fresh- fallen snow or keeling over from a toxic peanut allergy. Earth is at the tipping point. We can no longer sit idly by and watch as unsuspecting old bags try to drink cups of scalding hot coffee, as clumsy teenagers clownishly electrocute themselves on faulty hiphop amplifiers, or as heavily armed suburbanites farcically mistake loved ones for dangerous night-time burglars. Everything is becoming unimaginably worse. We face rising seas, disappearing species, children zanily choking on chicken legs, knee-slapping scenes of quadriplegics trapped in steamy bathrooms, seniors pricelessly falling down in cluttered kitchens or lured into uproariously funny reverse mortgage scams. And so I urge you in the strongest possible terms. Stand Up! Raise your voice! Tune in my latest documentary: Assymetric Warfare In The Postmodern Age, to be followed immediately by Americas Funniest Farm Machinery Accidents. Tokyo, Saturday, 02/20/10