Theyre ramping up. Assembling forces. Another Coalition of the Willing. Praise Jesus. Honor the Prophet. Hail Zion. Prez promises no boots on the ground. This time its different. Not another WMD fiasco. Not another yellow cake hoax. Because this time we really mean it. Were serious. You wont catch Colin Powell telling porkies to the United Nations. You wont hear Richard Perle predicting a cake walk. You wont see Paul Wolfowitz spitting on his comb. Because this isnt just propaganda. Its the real thing. You can trust us. This isnt a shabby rabbit out of the hat trick by some third-rate magician. We guarantee it. This is an act of pure evil. Absolutely rotten. Worse than Saddam. More villainous than Oil Can Harry. Trickier than Sitting Bull. This isnt your fake grandson calling from rural Mexico claiming hes run out of money. Or the supposed ex-king of Nigeria asking to help get his fortune out of a Swiss bank. Or a bogus NPO soliciting funds for Abbysinian orphans. Were not trying to sell you a lemon. Or peddle aluminum siding. Or re-shingle your roof. No agent will call. We know all about Korean penis enlargement scams, anti-aging ripoffs, blueberry extract swindles, and Florida swamp land fiddles. And thats why when we say this is serious, we really mean it. Tokyo, Saturday, 09/20/14


How could such supposedly divinely-created rational creatures come up with something so obviously off-the- wall, warped and just plain dumb as the ice bucket challenge, ethnic cleansing and Best of Back Story? Catch an anti-aging infomercial, wait on-hold, visit Waikiki or honor an equivalent tribute to human achievement then see how actually optimistic you really are about Earths future. Dont get me wrong. Im not one of those end of the world sandwich board nuts who thinks everything will end next Wednesday: winners headed to Heaven in stretch limos; losers lining up for discount handjobs behind Walmart Superstores. Likewise. Im not just setting up rows of easy targets: fastfeeders, floating garbage swirls, stupid right-wing aholes, then mowing them down with flamer cheap shots. Because this is serious business. Like weapons-grade cancer or a mawkishly sentimental movie like Patch Adams. Shortly before her death the acid-tongued comedienne got her ass in a wringer for making fun of kidnap victims. Or was it midgets and Tea Party wombats. Perhaps cripples and retardos. Cant remember. Mind slipping away. Questioning the mysteries of life raises as many questions as it answers: What is reality; What kinds of things ultimately exist; Why now; Why not now; Who killed Kennedy; Who shot J.R.; How does the unnameable come into being; Where is Flight MH 370? Tokyo, Wednesday, 09/10/14


When asked to comment, experts cite Lithuanias poor harvest combined with renewed rocket attacks and long overdue instability in the fourth quarter. But thats not all. Analysts go on to talk about rising sea levels, abandoned pets, elevated unrest, and especially, the sheer pace of modern life. A United Nations panel warns unless something is done immediately, the situation on the ground will certainly get much worse. Authorities are rushing to close the gap, but have been thwarted by former representatives who stubbornly refuse to change their position. Leaders urge caution. The answer to excess government regulation is not fewer air strikes, but wiser use of air fresheners and more inclusive efforts to settle the missing pilots strike. We cant simply inflate our way out of a trial balloon, economists warn, however that doesnt mean we should just sit back and piss our pants one leg at a time. Dont wait. Call today. Order our special 24-lecture course taught by an engaging team of experts. Now you can think and rethink about our modern world. Lecture titles include: Understanding Everything; Flopsweat; and Flamingo or Flamenco? Tokyo, Thursday, 08/28/14